*Found in the Bruuk Lun Times - Weekend Edition - Page 23, Bottom Left corner*
House Collapses in Pressure Test
In their latest game the only Dwarven hope for BABBL's Season V lost in a frustrating game for both the players and fans. It left House head coach infuriated such that he left the stadium before the end of the match leaving his young protege Preincess the Outsider to manage the dying moments.
No-one was available for comment form the House coaching or management staff and premidonna, 'celebrity' Everlast, team captain of the House of Pain, was seen exiting the dressing rooms deep in conversation with his career manager, Boss Ton. A nearby fan believed "they were talking about something called options."
Despite outrage of the off-field team, team vice-captain and star player Montell Jordan gave this comment:
"We really let the coach down today. We should have won this one but at the end, we just collapsed. We also let ourselves down. Morale is low for sure but we'll bounce back, we always do.
But most importantly, we let the fans down. They have consistently flock to our matches to see our unique playstyle and flashy moves but our most recent match was bereft of that. It's no wonder many people have returned their supporter material.
But I promise to the public, the team and the coach I will make sure this team fulfills the destiny it is meant to have. The House of Pain WILL be be invited by Rotgut to his Dungeon match. And we WILL make it to the semi-finals of Season V. Because I won't rest until we do."
In a later press release from Montell Jordan's publicist, it was announced he would be celibate until the House of Pain wins a match. Then and only then would he feel the touch again of a woman.
This surprising saw a large uptake of House of Pain supporter gear, most notably ladies bras and briefs. Needless to say, it seems the fans are rallying behind the young, charasmatic star.
Hous of Pain lose 1-2. Full details of the match can be found in the Blood Bowl Local Competition section.
Hello listeners. This is John Bores here on 4BK, the only OFFICIAL House of Pain radio station.
Tonight the House of Pain are up against the other Div B heavyweight, Ashas Mad Mashas
With both teams recording a win in their first game, it will be a great match to witness no doubt.
Coach Scalpifig is heading into this game with confidence but also a bit of concern. The Mashas have the ability to hurt the dwarves a fair bit with their Strength superiority. And they too have received some Agility and Movement increases alone the way so can match the dwarves with ball carrying.
But it will come down to is the defense of each team. Armour breakages on either side will result in the pendulumk swinging towards a teams favour.
Here's hoping for a House victory to set them up for a solid Season V RotGut and Finals campaign.
In other news, it seems that the House of Pain is also receiving coverage on another radio station. Be sure to tune in to Tackle Zone Radio regularly to keep abreast of your team; House of Pain.
It seems the coach's fears were unfounded! With the House performing admirably against the elves. With an early touchdown scored by the dwarves after kicking the ball to their pointy eared adversaries. There was even an near successful interception which was only saved by the skills of Illuminati star thrower Francis Bacon.
The plan of "Isolate and Dominate' worked well for the dwarves with the second half featuring many KO's or worse for the elves.
The House won 2-1 with the elves scoring their only touchdown with great skill and ability.
If our boys keep up this bahaviour, then places in the RotGut Invitational and the finals series are highly likely.
The only things to keep an eye on are the House's upcoming games. Facing Ashas Mad Mashas twice, replaying One World Illuminati who have an axe to grind and a big matchup against league heavy weights Uncle Crusty's Circus then the dreams of the players and the fans could be dashed upon the wall of BABBL.
- Scalpifig
June 30th, 2009
SV-G01 "Dodge This" Prologue
Hello listeners. This is John Bores here on 4BK, the only OFFICIAL House of Pain radio station.
Tonight we have the first game of BABBL Season Five. This is season the league is trialling a new structured fixtures method so there will be no picking and choosing your foes this season.
After some strategic bounty placements at the end of last season, Coach Scalpifig has enabled the House to enter into Div B with a lower than expected total team value. This measn they are one of the big fish in the kiddies pool.
But who is the first child to be grabbed by a re-encarnated Michael Jackson? (ED: Too soon?) Why it's One World Illuminati coached by legendary BABBL powerhouse, Sparticus.
Now the team on paper is very bare bones but elves often have a tricky way of getting away from their Dwarven counterparts. But with the limited number of players and lack of apothocary here's hoping the House can come out on top.
Things Scalpifig will have to look out for are the huge amount of inducements that the elves can bring with them to the match. 750,000 is a lot to spend and no doubt league legend Sparticus has some tricks up his sleeve.
And that's the other thign the House needs to atch. They are playing a coach who has won back-to-back premierships, a 2nd place, a 3rd place, a RotGut Silver Spoon and multiple Division Leader slots. There is no coach more highly decorated than Sparticus so it's really is a huge ask for Scalpifig to take on this giant of the BABBL.
- Scalpifig
May 28th, 2009
"Play it Loud. Play it Proud."
A brown, regulation C4 sized envelope is shoved under the door to the BABBL Commissioner's office.
On the front in large, stylised texta are dwarven runes which read:
"To the Commish. Play it Loud. Play it Proud."
Inside the envelope is a Translated Analog Phonic Element (or TAPE) which holds one audio recording. Below is the transcript:
---Start Transcript---
Yo Yo (spoken): Hey Arthur. Drop me a beat.
*Beatboxing Begins*
Yo Yo (rapping):
Yo Yo Yo Yo lead me your ears. For a tale that will be remembered throughout the years About a team of dwarves who had no fears Especially if they'd just finished their beers.
From Bruk Lun they came with no fear in their eyes Though some may hate, don't listen to lies We fans are proud and need no disguise It's the HOUSE OF PAIN who are our favourite guys
Phoenix Phorce (rapping):
Once upon a time they weren't tough Every game they played was really rough But then the coach said “Enough is Enough' And to the whole league they proved their stuff.
Yo Yo (rapping):
With Everlast, Montell and the rest of team Living the life. Chasing the dream. With more speed and skill than it would seem Taking down each foe until they reign supreme
It's a tough, long road, I can't deny. But while the rest will sink. The House will fly! Staring down the bigshots eye to eye Get prepared to kiss Biff goodbye
Phoenix Phorce (rapping):
Ain't no challenge without a risk Dancing around suckers like a whisk Your chill of defeat will be rather brisk Yo Arthur, flip the disc.
---End Transcript---
There are only two messages that can be taken from this recording
1. The House of Pain will be back for Season V 2. They mean business
- Scalpifig
May 3rd, 2009
End of Season Round Up
Good Sunday Afternoon to your listeners. It's your very own, John Bores here with the end of season report for the House of Pain.
In a very exciting and closely fought season, the House of Pain have done respectably well. Although missing out on a top three finish in the division by 1 league point, Coach Scalpifig was presumably proud of his dwarven charges.
When asked for a comment the coach spat at this reporter and said "You're no real fan. No! No!"
What his Skaven skitterings may have meant we can only guess because I, John Bores, IS a real fan of the House of Pain. I have all of the merchandise available, find it at your locla stores now.
And I also top up my mechanical mode of transport with Vulvaline, lead sponsor of the House of Pain. Know what I mean?
Going into the finals season, it looks like th House of Pain will be up against League heavyweights Uncle Crusty's Circus which will prove to be a very difficult challenge; but not unsurmountable.
At the End of Season Four, The House of Pain stats are:
Top Scores - Sir Mixalot with 11 TD Top Killer - Kills this season were evenly spread acorss a number of players so no award is given for Season 4. Top Casualty Inflicter - Daddy Mac with 8 casualties Top Thrower - Montell Jordan with 12 completitions Top Interceptor - Everlast with 1 interception Most Valuable Player - Montell Jordan with 4 MVPs Top Star Player Point Earner - Montell Jordan with 57 SPPs
- Scalpifig
May 1st, 2009
House of Pain Fan-them
*Crackle* *Crackle*
-Yo this is Yo-Yo for Radio Free Bruk Lun here with a special announcement. At the start of the latest game against Khornate Kolossus, some of the House fans busted some beats and some rhymes out and frestyled a new House of Pain Fan-them.
Word from a magically changed ratdwarf close to the team who wisehed to remain anonymous, I wonder who that might be listeners, is that the team loves it and have adopted it as their official unofficial team anthem.
So listeners here for the first time on thew airwaves, I give you the House of Pan Fan-Them
---
From the North to the South And the East to the West We support the team That is the best!
While the other teams All seem the same This one's unique It's the HOUSE OF PAIN!!
All singing, all dancing All living the dream Their moves are sweet Like peaches and cream
Ain't nobody gonna step to us All they do is yell and cuss Best calm down and stop the fuss Else you might find yourself under a bus
All you from the North We know your doing swell Come down to the game And give the foes hell
If you come from the South Be sure to bring ice Cause the Pain that we'll bring Won't be that nice
So your home's in the East Rising sun where you live Scoring against us You can't forgive
You're late from the West But still you arrive Let's watch the other team Try to survive
From the North to the South And the East to the West We support the team That is the best!
While the other teams All seem the same This one's unique It's the HOUSE OF PAIN!!
---
- Scalpifig
Apr. 21st, 2009
Pirate Radio will Never Die
Unlike YOU John Bores!
That's right children it's Yo Yo with Radio Free Bruuk Lun you're only source of TRUE, unedited House news.
Screw the man, man. When I heard the House sold out I was, at first, saddened. But then I realised that it was all the fault of the suits and that our brothers had nothing to do with the recent sell off.
Sure they were AWOL, but that was team development with coach Scalpifig. Sure they came back with a sky high bill for gin, juice, gold chains, grills, lowered Cadillacs and 'massages' but the team came back with a spring in their step.
Even coach Scalpifig was seen to be dancing on the sidelinbes tonight to the beats playing at The Fox Stadium.
That ain't no reason to sell the House to the highest bidder!
And what about us, the TRUE fans of the House? Should we simply let this injustice go by?
NO!!!!
As recently deceased and muched loved House Slayer Flava Flav said "Fight the power!"
So House fans unite behind our favourite team in their push for a finals berth. Let's get them over the edge into the top spots for Season 4!
Oh and Bores? I don't think your recent attempt at connecting with the House fanbase will do as well as you and your Monkeysuited phonies think it will.
- Scalpifig
Apr. 21st, 2009
House of Pain Redeveloped!
Good evening listeners.
This is John Bores here on the new 4BK, the only OFFICIAL House of Pain radio station.
With the recent blackout from unlicensed radio stations and the House of Pain's sale to the Soni/SMD stable, the businessmen behind the power of the House have chosen me, John Bores, to be the voice of reason in this time of uncertainity.
The House have been getting some more games lined up and have finally broken out of the mandatory Division game hole. There are a selection of coaches all vying for a game with the House and with the the slowly dimishing games remaining in Season 4, it seems the er... Hipper-Hops Boys may make a last minute surge to the coaches goal of top 3 finish in their division.
But with their recent 2-0 loss against the Roid Rage Buccaneers and the increasing total of league points the other Div B coaches are racking up it may be lucky if the House even make the finals this season.
And as always today's show has been brought to you by the brand that brings you the finest oil from the forests of Lustria straight to the gears in your Steam Tank and the House of Pain's newest sponsor...
Vulvaline.
Know what I mean?
- Scalpifig
Feb. 7th, 2009
Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!
Yeah Yeah House Fans!
It's Yo-Yo on Radio Free Bruuk Lun, reporting on the latest from the House of Pain.
Is it just me or there some rather big changes coming our way listeners? While Coach Scalpifig was changed into the stout, oddly furry, smelly, sneaky little 'dwarf'...I use the term loosely friends... it seems the opposite has happened to the House of Pain stars.
With Everlast and Montell Jordan getting faster and now Sir Mixalot gaining more nimble, questions are being raised as to whether these are residual madgicks from the change that came over the ex-Skaven or if it's just the result of the aggressive and ratty training the team has been part of.
In the latest game against Smashin' Bashas the House really let loose with their moves, both offensively and defensively. The Bashas had really only two chances with the ball but the House encircled the cage and through the fancy placement and guidance from Daddy Mac, our team managed to regain the ball and were close to scoring at the end of the first half.
The second half had the House almost score early on but for some very fancy foot and fist work from the Bashas to dodge away and blitz the ball carrier and then pick up the loose ball. But the House soon came back and regained the possession to score late in the second half.
With the House's defensive plays, the main one being dubbed "Bulls Hit", in tandem with their offense, with the joyfully titled "Daisy Chain", the team is finally in a place to really take it to the entire league.
And next comes our now mandatory dedication. After being given a hard talking to by Radio Free Bruuk Lun suits after my 'off-air' bets and such loosing us some sponsors, it's now back to all music, all the time. So for our friend Smashin' Bashas I dedicate this next song.
- Scalpifig
Feb. 5th, 2009
Storm of Chaos Brings Change
Heeeeeerrrrreeeee's Yo Yo!
On Radio Free Bruuk Lun, reporting on the latest from the House of Pain. Also, let me know how you like the new introduction there listeners.
The second game against Chaos in as many weeks saw quite a lot of changes to the House's tenants list. Along with the new stadium, it seems Coach Scalpifig has looked for a new lineup coming into the 2nd quarter of the season.
With the retirement of Young MC following a lackluster performance coming back from a serious injury came an open slot on the roster. Promptly filled by the journeyman of the two previous games who caused two, count em, TWO casualties already! Unfortunately the first was not entered into the Hall of Fame listings as the coach mistakenly keep his hope in Young MC
Who is this new addition to the family children? It's Larry Blackmon! Lead Player for The Cameos who, as the name suggests, is a crew of Journeymen Dwarves who train together to make up slots on other teams rosters.
But as for the game listeners? It was a close run affair that, but for a last moment effort from Roid Rage Buccaneers, would have ended in a draw.
The next game is up against the orcs of Smashin' Bashas so hopefully the new lineup for the House can break out of the sudden slump and bring it home with a win.
Now before we get back into the music we first need to play an ad from the sponsors of Roid Rage Buccaneers. Something to do with me getting drunk and betting their manager that the house would win.
See you after the break.
- Scalpifig
Feb. 1st, 2009
Curse Be A Ladette Tonight
Yo! Yo!
Back with the original and parodised format, this is Yo-Yo on Radio Free Bruuk Lun, reporting on the latest from the House of Pain.
Did you see the last House game against Cursed Companions of the Carnivale? Or should I say Did you see the last shambles of a game played by the House? Both teams made an absolutely shocking display of Blood Bowl for the entire match.
Even simple plays were fumbled or foiled by the incompetant players on both teams. The frustrations of both coaches were reflected in the baleful moans coming from Chester the Molester and the fans in the bleachers.
The House couldn't even pull of the now almost legendary casualties that that began their season. With only one of the ring-ins scoring any blood.
But this wasn't limited to the House with the Chaos team also impotent in blocks and plays. It was only through the combined failures of the teams, most coming from the House, that allowed the Carnivale to score their two touchdowns.
Transcript of the 'Our Favourite Son' segment recorded at Radio Free Bruuk Lun between Yo Yo and MCA.
-Static and Scuffling-
Yo Yo (YY): Alright so is this thing on?...Yeah?...Alright!
-More scuffling-
YY: Ok now we're ready to go. Sorry for the delays MCA.
MCA: It's okay man.
-A deep is taken-
YY: So listeners welcome to episode one of 'Our Favourite Son'. Today's guest is the House Blocker, MCA. Welcome to Radio Free Bruuk Lun.
MCA: Thanks. Great to be here.
YY: So MCA let's take time to get to know you. Who you are? What your dreams are? What makes MCA tick?
MCA: Ahhh... That's a few questions all at once dude. But I'll try.
Well I'm MCA with a story to tell. When I rock the crowd I rock the crowd well. And when I get the feeling I feel the feel swell. 'Cause when I start to rhyme well I rhyme the rhyme well .
-Clapping-
YY: Right on! So that's what it boild down to huh? What about your lackluster performance compared to your teammates. You've been a keen frontliner for the House but you've only really acheived an MVP. When are you going to step up and join in on the plays?
MCA: Look man. I thought I made it obvious. I'm all about the crowd. Sure some like blood. Others like touchdowns. But what they really want is a hard working, consistant front dwarf who doesn't let up when the going gets tough. And that's reflected in the fact they voted me MVP in the first game of the season.
YY: Well I guess you have a point. Someone has to look out for the average fan who doesn't like the blood or the bowl in Blood Bowl.
-Silence-
YY: Well thanks for joining us today MCA. Best of luck for the rest of the season.
MCA: Thanks. See you in the stands.
-Static and Scuffling-
YY: We done? Is it over?
Voice: Yeah we are.
YY: Good. Time to get my drink on.
-End transcript-
- Scalpifig
Jan. 18th, 2009
Two For the Show
Bad news House Fans. The first death of the season is upon us.
While the House made their presence felt in the first and second games of the season, it was the wild and wacky coach Krazy Lenny and his dubious 'thrower' Goon that brought the pain home.
With the passing of Marky Mark, the House is left with a gap in it's plays. Some mourners for the deceased were heard to lament "Why didn't he take up acting? Why!?"
But this is a questions we will never know the answer to...perhaps for the better.
Aside from this minor atrocity the game against Sin Bin Pylons was a huge success for the House. The standout was quite obviosuly Montell Jordan.
With a touchdown, a completion and a kill it was only inevitable he would win the MVP. Particularly as the kill (although healed successfully by Pylons, Dr Nick) saved the equalising touchdown. Followed by the pick up and first completed pass of the double pass play in the final moments of the game to give the House their second touchdown.
In the resulting press conference when asked about his outstanding performance, Montell Jordan answerd "This is how we do it. It's Friday night, and I feel all right. And the party is here on the West side."
But when asked about rumours of potential jealousy from team captain Everlast Coach Scalpifig quickly interrupted with "I don't care but that over hyped, over paid has been thinks. Montell is the future of the House. While Everlast is and always will be in the past."
This was evident in the next days training session where it seemed the ratdwarf type thing, which is out coach, took time out to teach Montell how to gain that extra speed that Scalpifig's old team were known for.
When asked about the passing of Marky Mark, Scalpifig scoffed and replied "Hey if that smart arse, smack talker can't handle a punch from a Gobbo Troll then good riddance. I mean he was a TROLLslayer for Nuffle's sake!"
Even with two players sitting out next game and the House calling in the support of a couple of ringins, the team is definetely coming together and will prove to be a force to be reckoned with in their next fixture.
A word on the 'Our Favourite Son' segment. Last weeks installment had some issues with scheduling and will be recorded some time soon. So stay tuned to Radio Free Bruuk Lun for a heart to heart with MCA and Montell Jordan.
And now a song for Sin Bin Pylons. You best not get too big for your Gobbo boots.
- Scalpifig
Jan. 7th, 2009
Game One is Done and Done
Yo! Yo!
This is Yo-Yo on Radio Free Bruuk Lun, reporting on the latest from the House of Pain.
So it's the day after and Naggoroth Iron Wolves are STILL feeling the beatdown handed to them by our very own House.
Coach Scalpifig was quick to adjust to the hitting style of the Dwarves but so used to his rats lack of follow through with the fist, that on two occasions he believed his new team had only caused a Miss Next Game rather than the kills that ended the lives of two, count em TWO, Naggoroth Iron Wolves linemen.
Now I don't know about you but wither our boys have beeen feeling a bit antsy in the pantsy being locked up with no game or our new coach has some SERIOUS anger issues.
But while the players stayed with a majority of the possession, the Dwarves just couldn't capitalise. Too often the coach would wait for his ball carrier to have a safe path but then only move a few feet forward. Waiting for a last minute sprint out and touchdown...just like his previous Skaven teams. It seems that you can turn the rat into a Dwarf but youy can't take the rat out of the dwarf...or some such thang.
With the team performing well and the coach beginning to understand the limitations and strengths that come with fielding us beardies, it's only a matter of time before the House of Pain finds its way towards the top of the Division Table.
With next weeks game against Scalpifig's long time No-Win streak rival, Borzag, it will be a good proving ground for the ratman coach.
So the Round 2 match up against the Gobbos *spit* will be interesting to see where the rat coaches loyalties lie. Whether it is maintaining his own, although horrendous, legacy or forging a new one with the House. We shall find out next week fans.
Also stay tuned listeners for our weekly get together with the Most Valuable Playah winner for the week's game, in a segment we like to call 'Our Favourite Son.' This week's guest is the Master of the Mike, MCA.
And a follow up announcement about the first House competition. Bouf won the chance to place one bounty on the head of any player in the league with the treasury of the House after their first game. This amount is a whopping EIGHTY THOUSAND gold pieces. The 'lucky' recipiant of this bounty has yet to be announced but stayed tuned listeners as we will be following this one closely.
I know I know. I've been talking for way too long and I know you want a song, so without further ado here is my dedication to Naggoroth Iron Wolves.
- Scalpifig
Nov. 27th, 2008
Fourth and Final
Yo! Yo!
This is Yo-Yo on Radio Free Bruuk Lun, reporting on the latest from the House of Pain.
With the first winning entry submitted by Bouf, the House of Pain have made their annoucement about the last three members of the team.
Who better to join the team from Bruuk Lun than three of our dearest sons?
With the submission of his entry, Bouf was also heard to suggest to Scalpifig some other potential recruits to the House of Pain. But were they real predictions of talent? Or a part of some dark plan? I guess time will tell.
But with the team finally announced, now we can get on with the job of preparing the stage for the rise of the House of Pain!
So to help you get ready for some long, hard nights of partying the victory of the House, I give you this next song.
- Scalpifig
Nov. 23rd, 2008
Third Helping
Yo! Yo!
This is Yo-Yo on Radio Free Bruuk Lun, reporting on the latest from the House of Pain.
One is a House of Pain veteran who has let his ego reign supreme. While the other is a calm and calculated thinking man's Dwarf. But both are family members of the House of Pain through and through.
But three jerseys remain hanging on the clothes line at the house. And there don't seem to be any more children around the place to take them down. I guess Momma and Poppa Pain are waiting to make some big announcement.
Which leads me to our next contest listeners. Coach Scalpifig has agreed to offer all, that's right ALL, of the kitty in the House of Pain coffers after game one in BABBL Season 4 as a proxy bounty. That means, he will place a bounty on your behalf on ANY BABBL Season 4 player totalling the entire coffers of House of Pain after Round 1.
Who ever correctly guesses the identities of the final three members of House of Pain BEFORE close of business 30th November Twenty08 wins this amazing prize. The winner must correctly name all THREE players yet to be announced to the Pain lineup. Only one entry per listener.
So get your entries into Coach Scalpifig through the regular channels before the cut off date to be in with a chance.
And here's your first clue... these boys must suffer from insomnia.
So get those Alaric the Mad patented thinking caps on and get those entries in.
Both dwarves have been known to enjoy many positions with their many fans. But that's another tale for another time I'm sure listeners.
The signings also come in the wake of the un-provoked bounties on Marky Mark and Rzarector from that crazy kook, Bouf. Sure the new head coach for the House is Scalpifig and sure he was the piece of cheese that got lodged in your oesophagus but is that any reason to take it out on the House? Ok maybe it is. So we'll let it slide...for now.
Now a request. It's something we do on occasion to help build that sense of community that makes Radio Free Bruuk Lun THE radio station to tune to. It's also something we do when my producer is intimidated by an evil god worshipper with cloven feet and horns as is the case here.
But as for the dedication, this goes out to our newest rival. I think the song speaks, or rather screams for itself.
- Scalpifig
Nov. 13th, 2008
First Tracks Down
Yo! Yo!
This is Yo-Yo on Radio Free Bruuk Lun, reporting on the latest from the House of Pain.
The first collaborating artists for Season Four have been announced!
Rzarector was a natural choice given his history as a prominent brother in rhyme.
The young siblings Mac Daddy and Daddy Mac were an interesting choice. Where their beards lack length their enthusiasm and energy make up for.
But yo yo yo. Check this!
Wearing number one is Bruuk Lun's resident laughing stock, Marky Mark. I don't know what that newly made Dwarf, ex-ratboy coach thingy is drinking to make that choice but I hope he passes some this way. Man I guess this is proof that everyone deserves a second chance.
And so I dedicate this next song to you Marky Mark. From all of the House of Pain fans at Radio Free Bruuk Lun and especially from me, Yo-Yo! I want you. Thats what I'm trying to say.
Preincess the Outsider
